we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
