I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
