My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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