you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
