she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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