I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
