I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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