I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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