Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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