i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Randomize
