how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
