My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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