And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
