Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
