Where are you?
In a non slutty way
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
