this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
