i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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