Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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