I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
