I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
