I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
