i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
