hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i think i have two assholes
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
