I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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