just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
