Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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