Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize