I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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