I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Say something about gay babies.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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