I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
