he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
