It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
