we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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