i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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