He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
