No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
