Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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