In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
