8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
