Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
