it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
