I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
