o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
