On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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