The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
