She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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