now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
