Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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