never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
