I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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