Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just had sex on a roof
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Who died my cat blue again?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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