So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
