I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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