sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
